Old, Lame

As StinkyLuLu sez, going this long between posts is just wrong. Unless no one reads them, in which case I think one is entitled to lengthy hiatuses (hiati?). Given that, entitled r us.

So, your mom has been reeling from the rapid onslaught of old age for some months now. At least since her most recent birthday, nearly a year ago. Does her profile say she's 50? No? Well if she wasn't so bashful, it would. And all those things everyone says about midlife crises are true. Your life's half over (best case), you have accomplished nothing, you look like hell...you are a sinking ship in the vast ocean. Sometimes you still feel 18, but you're 18 stuck in the rotting shell of a dumpy housefrau.

Occasionally one takes comfort in knowing how others are holding up. Or not. Random people in grocery stores are fair game for comparison...like the lady in produce, who appears to be "about your age," but has clearly spent a few too many days on the back of a Harley with no sunscreen....or the guy over by the eggs, who has enough extra hair growing out of his ears to create a stunning combover....or the woman in line to check out, who looks FABULOUS! Her cart no doubt contains a couple of cartons of yogurt and some celery. She probably stopped at the store on her way home from the gym. I'm sure she works quite hard at it. Bitch.

The other day I stumbled upon someone's profile on IMDb, some celebrity who was born in 1954, just like your mom, and took a few moments to peruse the list of folks who arrived that year. I have assembled a representative sampling of the state we, earth's class of '54, are in.

Howard Stern (January 12)
Robert Kennedy Jr. (January 17)
Cindy Sherman (January 19)
Oprah Winfrey (January 29)
Billy Mumy (February 1)
Christie Brinkley (February 2)
Jade East (February 6)
Matt Groening (February 15)
John Travolta (February 18)
Patricia Hearst (February 20)
Michael Bolton (February 26)
Ron Howard (March 1)
Catherine O'Hara (March 4)
Robin Duke (March 13)
Robert Carradine (March 24)
Donna Pescow (March 24)
Annette O'Toole (April 1)
Jackie Chan (April 7)
Dennis Quaid (April 9)
Anne Lamott (April 10)
Peter MacNicol (April 10)
Ellen Barkin (April 16)
Roddy Piper (April 17)
Rick Moranis (April 18)
Michael Moore (April 23)
Jerry Seinfeld (April 29)
Jane Campion (April 30)
Pia Zadora (May 4)
Harvey Fierstein (June 6)
James Belushi (June 15)
Kathleen Turner (June 19)
Freddie Prinze (June 22)
Ricky Skaggs (July 18)
Al Roker (August 20)
Corbin Bernsen (September 7)
Peter Scolari (September 12)
Shari Belafonte (September 22)
Barry Williams (September 30)
Lorraine Bracco (October 2)
Al Sharpton (October 3)
Stevie Ray Vaughan (October 3)
Scott Bakula (October 9)
Lauren Tewes (October 26)
Godzilla (November 3)
Adam Ant (November 3)
Kathy Kinney (November 3)
Rickie Lee Jones (November 8)
Yanni (November 14)
Condoleezza Rice (November 14)
Kathleen Quinlan (November 19)
Bruce Hornsby (November 23)
Joel Coen (November 29)
June Pointer (November 30)
Stone Phillips (December 2)
Jermaine Jackson (December 11)
Chris Evert (December 21)
Annie Lennox (December 25)
Denzel Washington (December 28)

Now there's some real range. Who knew Godzilla and Condoleeza were of the same vintage? Similarly frightening, yes, but the same age? And Yanni? Barry Williams? What fine company to be in. A few make your mom feel ok about where she is (thank you Harvey). And though I am even more obscure than Lauren Tewes, and less successful financially than Jade East, it is indeed comforting to know that others, even the much-wealthier-than-thou folks, are on the same sinking ship.

Send help.