Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Get Back On The Airwaves...

...reality TV strikes again. Talk about boring television. Luckily, every time the Baptists hold a convention, or the Mormon elders assemble to pretend they have a new prophet, or the Methodists do whatever they do, network TV does not feel compelled to cover each and every fascinating moment, live. Not that they can cover every moment of the continuing saga of papal pomp and circumstance, but rest assured your trusty networks will bring you as much of the high drama as they can. This morning, while watching the Today show, NBC cut in with a special news report. Foolishly, I thought perhaps some news had occurred. Not so much. For the next, what - 40 minutes? they pointed their cameras at the slow-moving procession (indeed, even the slow lining-up of the cardinals for the procession), then followed each sedate step to the Sistine Chapel. But the fun didn't stop there. During the long walk, we were treated to a tenor and boys' choir rendition of The Litany of the Saints, chanted one by one, the same quasi-musical phrase repeated over and over until they ran out of saints' names, and finally switched to a slightly different "melody." And folks think old-time tunes are repetitive. Geez. It was about 15 minutes of repetition-of-the-saints, with close-ups of the plodding parade, then a slow scramble for seats (ok, so it was an orderly crawl). THEN we were able to see the fellers get back up and begin the slow procession to the center of the room for step one of the holy oath of secrecy. I should like to point out that while we were feasting our eyes on the mostly-red-costumed cardinals in their festive chapeaux (more on that in a minute), we were "inside" the freaking Sistine Chapel. How hard would it have been to show an occasional decent view of the ceiling, or the walls? A few brief moments were spent doing one long shot, showing the end with "The Last Judgment," while the Archbishop who was providing a bit of voice-over commentary alluded to the other walls, suggesting that the one representing the old testament (old testament - represent!!) and the one respresenting the new testament combined to reflect "the history of salvation." Huh? (Which reminded me of the brown-robe-clad "Brother Somebody" who claimed to speak on behalf of the Schindler family outside Teri Schiavo's hospice, who declared that what was happening inside was "the tsunami of euthanasia." I had to award him extra credit for that one.) Eventually, I guess even the network decided that enough was enough, and let us go back to our secular programming. Fortunately, shortly thereafter the Today show ran a piece about the conclave, but focusing only marginally on the cardinals and the voting process, and mostly on the Sistine's paintings, so all was not lost.

The one high point of the network coverage: close-ups of the cardinal costumes. But where is the fashion commentary when we need it? I was on the edge of my seat waiting for an explanation for why one was wearing a black robe and cape. And who decides whether the white gown beneath has piping, or applique, or elaborate lace? Does each cardinal choose his own fashion statement? A couple of them had more lace than my mother's old tablecloth. Are those guys just more in touch with their feminine sides? I do hope some of the upcoming reports, especially once the cameras are no longer allowed inside and the networks are desperate for any possible conclavitude they can come up with, will answer some of these questions.

And for another glimpse into the goings-on in the conclave:

Today's Borowitz Report:

CARDINALS DEADLOCKED OVER LUNCH ORDER
'That Thai Place' Ruled Out

The papal conclave hit a speed bump in its very first day as cardinals convening in Vatican City became deadlocked over which restaurant to order takeout from, sources said.

While the deliberations behind the walls of the Sistine Chapel are traditionally shrouded in secrecy, when the clock struck at 2 PM and no food had yet arrived, rumors circulated that the cardinals were bitterly split over where to order their lunch.

According to one insider, approximately half the cardinals in attendance were in favor of some form of Chinese takeout, while the other half favored a more unconventional choice, a tapas restaurant that recently opened in the neighborhood and that several prominent cardinals reportedly said "looked interesting."

Those familiar with the often heated discussions over the lunch order said that the dean of the College of Cardinals, Joseph Ratzinger, 78, tried to rein in the number of choices right off the bat by ruling out a restaurant he referred to only as "that Thai place."

Complicating the debate, one source said, was the fact that so many local eateries have been slipping their takeout menus under the Vatican's front door, defying a clearly posted sign warning against such a practice.

"There is some hope that sushi will emerge as a consensus choice, but that remains to be seen," the source said, "Compared to this, choosing a pope is going to be a snap."

Elsewhere, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said that he is so confident he will win his ethics fight that he just doubled his family's salary.