Food Pyramid, Nicely Summed Up

Today's installment of "What Do You Think?" from The Onion...

This Just In:

"Judge Not!" or "Two Branches of Government Should Be More Than Enough for Anyone"

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Get Back On The Airwaves...

...reality TV strikes again. Talk about boring television. Luckily, every time the Baptists hold a convention, or the Mormon elders assemble to pretend they have a new prophet, or the Methodists do whatever they do, network TV does not feel compelled to cover each and every fascinating moment, live. Not that they can cover every moment of the continuing saga of papal pomp and circumstance, but rest assured your trusty networks will bring you as much of the high drama as they can. This morning, while watching the Today show, NBC cut in with a special news report. Foolishly, I thought perhaps some news had occurred. Not so much. For the next, what - 40 minutes? they pointed their cameras at the slow-moving procession (indeed, even the slow lining-up of the cardinals for the procession), then followed each sedate step to the Sistine Chapel. But the fun didn't stop there. During the long walk, we were treated to a tenor and boys' choir rendition of The Litany of the Saints, chanted one by one, the same quasi-musical phrase repeated over and over until they ran out of saints' names, and finally switched to a slightly different "melody." And folks think old-time tunes are repetitive. Geez. It was about 15 minutes of repetition-of-the-saints, with close-ups of the plodding parade, then a slow scramble for seats (ok, so it was an orderly crawl). THEN we were able to see the fellers get back up and begin the slow procession to the center of the room for step one of the holy oath of secrecy. I should like to point out that while we were feasting our eyes on the mostly-red-costumed cardinals in their festive chapeaux (more on that in a minute), we were "inside" the freaking Sistine Chapel. How hard would it have been to show an occasional decent view of the ceiling, or the walls? A few brief moments were spent doing one long shot, showing the end with "The Last Judgment," while the Archbishop who was providing a bit of voice-over commentary alluded to the other walls, suggesting that the one representing the old testament (old testament - represent!!) and the one respresenting the new testament combined to reflect "the history of salvation." Huh? (Which reminded me of the brown-robe-clad "Brother Somebody" who claimed to speak on behalf of the Schindler family outside Teri Schiavo's hospice, who declared that what was happening inside was "the tsunami of euthanasia." I had to award him extra credit for that one.) Eventually, I guess even the network decided that enough was enough, and let us go back to our secular programming. Fortunately, shortly thereafter the Today show ran a piece about the conclave, but focusing only marginally on the cardinals and the voting process, and mostly on the Sistine's paintings, so all was not lost.

The one high point of the network coverage: close-ups of the cardinal costumes. But where is the fashion commentary when we need it? I was on the edge of my seat waiting for an explanation for why one was wearing a black robe and cape. And who decides whether the white gown beneath has piping, or applique, or elaborate lace? Does each cardinal choose his own fashion statement? A couple of them had more lace than my mother's old tablecloth. Are those guys just more in touch with their feminine sides? I do hope some of the upcoming reports, especially once the cameras are no longer allowed inside and the networks are desperate for any possible conclavitude they can come up with, will answer some of these questions.

And for another glimpse into the goings-on in the conclave:

Today's Borowitz Report:

CARDINALS DEADLOCKED OVER LUNCH ORDER
'That Thai Place' Ruled Out

The papal conclave hit a speed bump in its very first day as cardinals convening in Vatican City became deadlocked over which restaurant to order takeout from, sources said.

While the deliberations behind the walls of the Sistine Chapel are traditionally shrouded in secrecy, when the clock struck at 2 PM and no food had yet arrived, rumors circulated that the cardinals were bitterly split over where to order their lunch.

According to one insider, approximately half the cardinals in attendance were in favor of some form of Chinese takeout, while the other half favored a more unconventional choice, a tapas restaurant that recently opened in the neighborhood and that several prominent cardinals reportedly said "looked interesting."

Those familiar with the often heated discussions over the lunch order said that the dean of the College of Cardinals, Joseph Ratzinger, 78, tried to rein in the number of choices right off the bat by ruling out a restaurant he referred to only as "that Thai place."

Complicating the debate, one source said, was the fact that so many local eateries have been slipping their takeout menus under the Vatican's front door, defying a clearly posted sign warning against such a practice.

"There is some hope that sushi will emerge as a consensus choice, but that remains to be seen," the source said, "Compared to this, choosing a pope is going to be a snap."

Elsewhere, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said that he is so confident he will win his ethics fight that he just doubled his family's salary.

Why Don't I Update This Thing?

Seriously. wtf?

Who Knew? (A Cat-Shooting Update)

From the MSNBC newsdesk:

"At least two other upper Midwestern states, South Dakota and Minnesota, allow wild cats to be shot — and have for decades. Minnesota defines a wild, or feral, cat as one with no collar that does not show friendly behavior..."

Just imagine the possiblities if we could extend that to humans who do not exhibit friendly behavior. Squirt guns might be best for the initial phase...give folks a chance to mend their unfriendly ways and paste a smile on their sullen faces.

Balancing the Dumb News: Betty Bowers Latest Newsletter....click here

Dumb News of the Day

Early this morning on the local news update during the Today Show, I heard a teaser for a later newscast about some state that was considering a move to legalize shooting stray and/or feral cats. They didn't mention the name of the state in the teaser, of course, and though I was only partially awake when I heard the blurb, I naturally started entertaining ideas of which state would stoop so low. Montana? Wyoming? Idaho? Alaska?? I was picturing some lightly poplulated, wild-west-mentality place, with high per-capita gun ownership, etc.... Later on when I heard the actual story, well, you coulda knocked me over with a feather. The state in question is: Wisconsin. Now, I'm not technically from WI, but growing up 20 miles south of the state line, I kinda considered myself a border child, and felt it was my prerogative to ally myself with either place. Since my county, and those surrounding mine, were blatantly conservative (my hometown newspaper was the Daily Republican), I took comfort in what I thought was a fairly progressive, thoughtful, and decidedly more liberal wisdom across the border. Well. I haven't lived there in many years, so perhaps things have changed a bit. Everyplace seems to be reverting to redneck ethics lately...why the heck not Wisconsin, eh? Let's shoot come cats!

Another dumb thing: Bush's Playlist. A couple of thankfully brief articles in the NYTimes brought news of W's iPod playlist, cuz, you know, we're all desperate to see what our favorite celebrities are listening to. Apparently there's a fair amount of George Jones and Alan Jackson, no surprise, and "My Sharona." I worry that he will lapse into a chorus during one of his brilliant speeches. On the other hand, maybe that would be a good thing.

Things That Make Mama Sad

So, Friday night, in an attempt to be a good sport, I agreed to attend a late-opening-night screening of Sin City. Anyone who knows me is well aware that Quentin Tarantino makes me sad. Knowing that he was involved with Sin City made the choice of movies particularly unappealing, but as I said, I was trying to be a good sport. And I was holding out hope that the Rodriguez elements would be less horrible. Instead, it would seem that Rodriguez is out to match or surpass his idol Tarantino's now-standard depraved brutality.

Yes, Sin City is stylish, but it's not especially new style (A-Ha did it better in their video of Take on Me way back in '85). It's digitally filmed, part live-action/part animation, black and white with occasional, specific color -- big sad/sexy eyes are green or blue, the blood is mostly red (and there's no shortage). A few scenes are visually stunning, but the comic-book-brought-to-life effect isn't compelling enough to compensate for a completely dead feel throughout, and the constant post-gratuitous violence. All the women in the movie are prostitutes, though they will no doubt be described as "strong women" by folks who want to sidestep the glaring reality behind the wimmin-folks' weaponry. Yes, they are "allowed" to control their inner-city neighborhood (Old Town, watch out), but only because of certain service-related arrangements they've made with the cops, the mob, even the clergy. Many are as violent as the men, in fact their sexuality is inextricably bound to their violence (ooh, it's hot when babes can disembowel), but the girls don't call any of the shots. They are of a low caste, confined to a neighborhood/ghetto always on the verge of violent management change.

Listening to people laugh, on cue, during all the gruesome moments, just makes me feel sick. I do realize there are lots of reasons why people laugh at inappropriate things. I study sick joke cycles; I get it. But despite all the "personal responsibility" arguments that advance the opinion that movies/music/TV/video games/etc. don't cause good people to do bad things, it seems bloody obvious that the numbing effect of this kind of sick violence and mysogyny can't help. And the bravado of the punks standing outside following the film, as I awaited the emergence of my date from the men's room, should surprise no one, and worry everyone. A small group of fans I overheard were discussing their need to "go beat somebody up" to round out an entertaining evening. Yay.